The story of my life, the words I write, and my Vicissitudes of Fortune.



Let me tell you how I really feel, just once. Just because I might never get this chance again. I could tell you that I love you, that I’ve always loved you.. but I think you know that, I think you always have. I like to think that you still love me too. That no matter how far apart, no matter how many times we’ve said goodbye, you still love me. I met you on a warm summer night, and we went for a walk. I’ve never been so comfortable with somebody else. I knew then that I would do whatever it took feel your love. Every time I saw you, you drew me in closer to your light. That night we drank and like kids we laid in the street. I wanted to tell you then that I couldn’t see myself with anybody else but you. Not forever. We got as close as I think two human beings could without kissing that night. I felt the first taste of the future I wanted so badly when you kissed my neck. The time wasn’t right, so I never gave up, I only gave you distance. I gave it time. I knew somewhere in my heart that it was meant to be, and that I would see you again. Maybe just for a cup of coffee, and maybe for something more. I came back home that winter, all I could think about was you. I needed to hold you, just once. I was so sure that I was headed to war, that I was headed to some place where I might forget the touch of love if it was anybody else but you. So I pushed, I pushed to save you from somebody who didn’t deserve you, I pushed to have you in my arms. I’ll never forget how bad you tried to make me feel after the first time that I kissed you, and I’ll never forget how impossible it was to feel bad. I told you then that I didn’t regret it, and I never will. Maybe for you it all seemed wrong. I was just fighting for the girl of my dreams, and I hope that you don’t hold that against me. It was that night, the way you blushed when I got a little to close, the way you held me tight like you were never going to see me again. It was your angelic face in the moonlight, or maybe your skinny jeans, wrapped around your waist just where I wanted to be. Your tiny little car and the steering wheel that wouldn’t go up far enough. I wanted you, more then I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I wanted to stay. Sometimes I imagine a life where I did, impossible as it would have been. I missed you the moment you left, we would never have had enough time. However it wasn’t over. I spent the very last moments I had at home, and I found that home was when I was with you. I don’t know if I’ll ever find that again, and I try not to think about it. We were sitting in the car, cold and full of fear, the fear of what we would do without each other. Did you feel it too? Did you know then that the second we said goodbye there would be a void that we’d always be trying to fill? As the cigarettes kissed your lips, I could hear the shaking in your voice. And so with my arms around you I tried to show you that I wasn’t gone yet. I kissed you as many times as I could, I’m not sure if I was trying to make up for lost time, or trying to kiss you enough for the next two years. It could never have been enough. Your lips were like heroin to me. I needed you like a drug. Then you kissed me, and I knew that no matter what you were going through, you knew that you loved me too. I was the happiest and saddest man on the earth. All I knew is that I wanted more time with you, that I had finally found you. All good things must come to an end, but I was determined that it wouldn’t end there. I bought a ring in Japan, I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I’d see you in the winter, and with any luck, for the rest of my life I’d wake up to your pretty face just inches from mine. I guess things just didn’t turn out that way, not in the end. I got mad, and sad. I couldn’t let go. I tried to forget you, yet here I am, and I have not forgotten the girl of my dreams. I’ll never forget the night, even if it was just for a night, that it was just you and me. The whole thing is really gonna mess with my love life, I mean I couldn’t even look at another girl for a year. I guess that’s just life, and as someone wise once told me “I fully accept every decision I’ve made”. It was worth the pain, and I knew that going into it. To be honest, I’ll never give up. I’ll always be waiting to come back home to you. You complete me like the line out of a movie, and I can’t just forget something like that. It’s because I love you, that I will respect your happiness, even if I have nothing to do with it. I just wonder if you ever imagine what it would feel like to wake up in my arms instead. I wonder if you think about my lips pressed against yours. I wonder if part of you, like part of me, is still back next to that car, holding on to a different future, holding on to my love. You know I’ll always be around if you need me, you’ll always be in my heart. I will always love you, butterfly. Even though our life’s are going in opposite directions, and just like that night, I never know if I’ll see you again, I’m happy that you found somebody that could make you feel the way that you made me feel. I swear that if I ever make it home, I’ll never leave again.

I’ll never forget the sweetness of your kiss, or how it felt like the world around us disappeared when we embraced. I never wanted to let go, of this small warm girl in front of me. The first that had ever held me that tight, the first time I could tell that you didn’t want to let go either. Maybe we thought that if we just held on a little tighter, if we held on just a little longer, time would stop, and we’d be together, forever. I’ll never trade the hours of sleep I lost before my flight the next day. Maybe we both knew it was the last time we would ever hold each other like that, maybe that’s why I found my lips pressed to yours every chance I got. I kissed you and kissed you, and then, you kissed me, for the first time. I’ll always miss those moments, and I’ll always miss you. I’m not good at this, at giving up. Walking away from you will be one of the hardest things I ever do. But I will, because I love you, and you want me to. Just, please remember me, remember us, and remember that part of me will always be waiting to come home to you.

I am living a pitiful life, tell me, what lesson is there in this strife?

I have a feeling that it’s going to be a cold winter.